humor

The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil.

Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School .
Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'
When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her,
took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.
The Nun said, 'Very good, and continued teaching her class..

A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'
But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her
rescue and stuck her in the butt.'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.
And the Nun once again said, 'Very good', and Susie fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she
had her twenty-third child?' Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me
one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted.

The Polish Divorce

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the
circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand.
Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland ..

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?
I got proof.

What kind of proof?
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.

I can read English pretty good, and it say:
"Polish Remover".

GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH!
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He didn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was
an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married..
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a
woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no
food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get
it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to
do.

Can I get an AMEN ? !!

Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided
that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice
together to share office space and personnel.

Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist;
they put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors".
The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids" This was also
not acceptable, so they again changed the sign.

"Catatonics and High Colonics"......No go.

Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives"....thumbs down again.

Then came "Minds and Behinds"....still no good.

Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes".......unacceptable again !

So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts".....not a chance.

"Nuts and Butts".....no way.

"Freaks and Cheeks".....still no good.

"Loons and Moons".....forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones--Odds and Ends"
Everyone loved it.
__._,_.___

The following is an actual question given on a University Chemistry mid-term.
The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor
shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course,
why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
variant.

0ne student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.
So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and
the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume
that once a soul gets to Hell, it will never leave. Therefore, no
souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions
state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not
belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls
in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of
the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in
order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume
of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which
souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will
increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the rate at which
souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until
Hell freezes over.

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa, (Cheerleader
Captain and Class Valedictorian) during my Freshman year that, "it
will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into
account the fact that I slept with her last night and again this
morning, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is
exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct...leaving only Heaven, and thereby proving the existence of
a divine being, which explains why Teresa kept shouting "Oh my
God!!!"

This student received the only "A."

A physican claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients
(predominately male) while performing their colonoscopies:

* 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
* 'find Amelia Earhart yet?'
* 'Can you hear me now?'
* 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
* 'You know, in Arkansas, we now are legally married.'
* 'Any sign of the trapped miners, chief?'
* 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
* 'Hey! Now I know how a muppet feels!'
* 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
* 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
* 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn' you?'
And the best of all:
* 'Could you write a note for my wife saying my head in not up there?

Top Ten Slogans That Belong On Colostomy Bags

10.“My other bag’s a Prada”
9. “Niblet retrieval in progress”
8. “Is your ostomy bag full, or are you just happy to see me?”
7. “Colon temporarily unavailable; busy as Secretary of State”
6. “If you think this bag is full of shit, you should meet my brother-in-law”
5. “Real men don't use gloves”
4. “The Lord is my ostomy nurse!”
3. “Contents: Starbucks Coffee Of The Day”
2. “Colostomy? Colosto-YOU!”
1. “Caution: Bush domestic policy being prepared”